Have you ever read 3 Bedroom Bungalow to Let in Crazytown? If not, you should. She's funny. She's sponsoring "Dear So and So..." and I'm joining in.
Dear Angelina Joile,
I get it. You love children (what are you up to-25 now?). You work hard to help refugees (which is noble, and I'm all for). You have a gazillion dollars and Brad Pitt. You don't use a nanny (I'm not sure I'm buying that). You cook for your family. Blah, blah, blah. Do you HAVE to look so good all the time though? I really hate you for that. I think you're a home wrecker (that's right, I said it), but it's the fact that you always look good that makes me really dislike you though.
Dear American Drivers,
LEARN. TO. DRIVE. The left lane is supposed to the fast lane. You do not need to come to a complete bloody stop to make a right hand turn from a four lane highway. You CAN actually do the speed limit. Or maybe even a few miles over! Also, get off your phone and drive.
Road Ragingly Yours,
You don't even start for a few more days. Could you lay off and actually wait before taking over? It is so hot here it's ridiculous. I know you've got a big ego because everyone is always going on and on about how they love summer, but if you keep this oppressive heat up, everyone's love for you will wither up and die, just like many of the plants around here because it's so bloody hot and there has been no rain.
If you read my letter to Summer, you know how I feel about the heat. You have one of the best and most profitable business models in the world, meaning you're rich as Croesus. Please take some of that money and put a dome over WDW and air condition the whole thing. I'd like you so much more if I didn't sweat so much while visiting you during the warm months.
Too hot to love Mickey,
Target. If you had them, you'd love them. You do not know what you're missing. Get with the program and get some Target stores. I know you all hated Wal-Mart and their business practices and ran them out of business (I applaud you for that), but I promise, Target is different. Give them a chance. It hurts me that you haven't yet.
Willing to boost your economy,
Please see above letter to Germany. Military spouses alone would seriously increase your profit margins.
Aching to shop your well organized stores,
Dear Jonas Brothers,
I hate to say this, but I adore your cutie pie-ness. You're very fan friendly too and I appreciate that (on behalf of all the screaming teens and tweens). I like your style and wish boys across America would take some fashion advice from you. I'm sick of the slob look. Your semi-wholesome, yet hip look and bubble gum pop make me ridiculously happy. You may have even found your way onto my iPod.
I thought I missed you. Turns out I don't. Commercials are annoying. Yes, the weird little things they put between shows on AFN are also annoying, but rarely do they gross me out (I'm looking at you Hardees/Carl's Jr.).
Annoyed and NOT yours,
Dear Robert Pattinson Fans,
Leave the poor boy alone! He's NOT actually Edward Cullen (though we ALL wish he was). Stop attacking him. You're making us look bad. Plus, you're blocking my view.
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