The journey of a thousand miles begins with...the perfect pair of shoes.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Dear So and So: Pregnancy, movies and other nonsense

Dear So and So...

Ah, Friday! That day when I get to let out my inner evil. Okay, so my inner evil, isn't really all that inner, as it get let out more often than I keep it in, but you know what I mean. I likes Fridays! On with the letters!

Dear Pregnancy,

You suck.

Sick of you,

Dear Hormones,

Please see above letter to Pregnancy. You also suck, and I'm tired of going from one extreme to the other. Poor James Bond doesn't know whether I'll laugh or cry at any given moment. Although this does seem to keep him on his toes, so maybe you're not all bad. If you could cut out the night sweats and making me cry over the stupidest little thing though, my life would be much easier (though I still might keep James Bond jumpy just for fun) .


Dear Han Solo,

I get it. You don't like my left kidney. I don't know what it did to you, but I'm sure it's sorry, so if you could please for the love of all that is holy, stop kicking it, I would really, really appreciate it. People looks at me like I've lost my mind when I suddenly double over for no apparent reason.

MIHH (Mommy)

Dear 3rd Trimester,

While I'm ridiculously happy to see you, I am less than please that you decided to bring my old nemesis with you: Exhaustion. What gives? I could see Exhaustion coming along with 1st Trimester (believe me, 1st Trimester and I have had serious words in the past and are not friends), I was NOT prepared for him to show up when you arrived. Really, needing sleeping 16 hours a day is completely unacceptable. I've got stuff to do! If you could please send him away, I'd much appreciate it.


Dear Appetite,

I'd really like for you to come back. What happened? Did Exhaustion scare you off?  WHY?  Han Solo gets very, very, VERY angry when I don't feed him (and might possibly taking it out on my kidney) and your absence has made that very difficult.  If you could please come back, I promise to only feed you yummy things.

Not hungrily,

Dear Home wrecker Angeline Jolie,

I saw 2 (TWO!!) movies staring you this week.  I can't believe it.  James Bond really wanted to see The Tourist and Salt.  I was on the fence over The Tourist, as it has my beloved Johnny Depp (call me!) in it too and finally agreed to see it.  While you were in it far more than he (that's just bad directing, IMO), I actually enjoyed it.  Even though James Bond figured the entire plot out in the first 20 minutes and then proceeded to tell me (I HATE when he does that-which is all.the.bloody.time), it wasn't a bad movie.  I'm sure you were airbrushed to within and inch of your life (what's with all the tats?), but you looked fab.  And I kind of hate you for it.  Scratch that.  I really hate you for that.  You've had 3 kids.  Where's the cellulite???  The next day we saw Salt, which was originally supposed to star my most hated movie star, Tom Cruise (that's right, Tom, Matt Lauer may have forgiven you, but I NEVER will).  I have to say, it was was kick ass movie.  Though how your hair still looks perfect after wearing a knit cap over it for hours is beyond me.  I'm calling complete BS on that.  I would NOT have watched it with TC in it, and almost didn't watch it because of you, but again, I did it for James Bond.  I may not like what you and Brad did (oh, that's right, I haven't forgotten about you, Mr. Pitt!), but I respect your talent.  Now, don't ever, ever, EVER kiss my Johnny again.  I mean that.   We might have to have words.


Dear Johnny Depp,

I know it was just a movie, but you may as well have stabbed me in the heart when you kissed that woman.  Multiple times!  How could you?  Oh, I'll forgive you (you know I can't stay mad at you for long), but just know that I'm deeply wounded.  A trip to your private island might make me feel better though.  Just a thought.

Still loving you after all these years,

Dear High School Reunion,

I got the save the date card this week.  I think you sent it to the wrong person.  I'm not old enough to have been out of school for 20 years.  Am I?  REALLY?  No, surely not.  I happened to be talking to my dad and mentioned it to him.  He said HE is not old enough to have a child who has been out of high school for 20 years, so you see, it's not just me.  20 years?  Seriously?

Feeling old,

Dear Girl Scouts,

I bought your deliciously overpriced cookies last week (I even featured you in last week's Dear So and So).  Please stop tormenting me.  You are camped out in front of the post office, PX, commissary and Shoppette.  I cannot avoid you.  LEAVE ME ALONE!  I don't want anymore of your cookies.  OMG, that's a totally lie, I so do.  They're too expensive and don't last long enough (I haven't figured out why).  Even my Appetite shows up for them.

Wishing I were face first in a box of Thin Mints,

Dear Blog Signature,

What is UP with you????  Why are you working and then not working????  Get yourself together, will ya?


Okay, dear readers, if you have something you need to get off your chest, head on over to the super awesome (and I'm not just sucking up here) Kat's and link up your own letters.


Liska said...


I can't wait till I am doing a "rant" Dear So and So...

This week was my first and it was already written...

But I will get ready for next week and dig down into my inner evil...

mmmmwwwwwaaa ha ha ha ha


Michele Feltman Strider said...

I didn't realize you graduated from high school at the tender age of 12. ;-)

Denny P 3 said...

I am so glad I'm not a woman. I could never handle being pregnant. I would probably just double over in the fetal position and die the first time I realized a person was punching me from the INSIDE!!! Plus, the puking my wife went through with both our kids is more than I've ever puked in my entire life, combined! You women are stronger than I. Oh, and Girl Scout cookies are awesome, but a total rip off.

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

If it makes you feel any better I was never one of those "pregnancy is so wonderful" women either. :)

Hope you will stop by and enter my giveaway.

These Are The Days said...

Laughing my butt off over here. You know I agree with you about the homewrecker, but I didn't think she looked very good. Yes her face was beautiful as always but she needs to put on a little weight. Did you notice they could barely show her in the slip/bathroom getting dressed scene? She was skin and bones and sorry, that's not sexy.

Good luck w/ your kidney, that stinks for you. Hans nice to your mother!! She's your way into this world.

XOXO, Jessica

Thanks for the sweet comment you left for Sophia. She's loving the linky party. :)

Southern Fried Gal said...

Cracking me up - especially with the Angelina/Johnny Depp letter. My 20 year class reunion was last fall. That's a hard one to swallow.

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