The journey of a thousand miles begins with...the perfect pair of shoes.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dear So and So: The naked edition

Dear So and So...

Gotcha with the title didn't I? No, I'm not naked, so go look elsewhere pervs who search for dirty things and end up on my blog, but there are people that think it's cool to be naked/semi-naked, and they need to be addressed (and dressed). I'm willing to take this on.

Dear Teenage Girls,

In case you hadn't noticed, the weather has turned bloody, freaking cold brisk in the last few days. Those super short skirts and shorts you're wearing? Not appropriate. To be honest, they're not appropriate during the warm months either. They make you look skanky hobagish slutty cheap. Don't degrade yourselves like that. Believe me, the boys will still like you. While we're at it, hike up your pants/skirt/shorts. I have no desire to see the top of your thong when you bend over.

Oh so sincerely,

Dear parents of teenage girls,

Really? You let your daughters walk out the house like that? REALLY? Get some parenting skills people. Teach your daughter better. No way would my dad have let me go to school in a skirt that barely covered my business. Never mind that I went to an all girl Catholic school and had to wear a uniform. He would never, ever, ever have let me out wearing some of the stuff I see kids wear to school. Not for a date, not for a weekend outing (you know, to the mall or movies, or wherever the boys were hanging out), not anywhere. If I'd tried, I'd probably still be locked in my room today, rocking out to my boom box with a cd player and having to idea what the internet is. So, put your parenting panties on, put your foot down and tell your girls to put on something more appropriate. They're going to school, not auditioning for Girls Gone Wild.


Dear teenage boys,

While I'm glad you have sense enough to wear clothing to keep you warm, could you extend that sense to your feet? Walking to the food court hudled up in your letter jacket (kudos to you for earning your letter) and flip flops just looks silly. I don't like looking at your dirty, unkempt feet in the summer. I should not be subjected to their hairiness during the fall and winter too.

Icked out,

Dear naked chicks in the locker room,

Yes, I know it's the locker room at the gym and you've been working out and you stink, blah, blah, blah. I get that, I really do. However, could you maybe just wrap a towel around you as you're walking to and from the shower? I do not want to see the tattoo of the road runner on your @ss or the tramp stamp that reads "Always Ready." I'm sure you're really glad you got that now that you're pushing 40. It's really hard for me to know where to look when you walk past me stark naked. My eyes go all loopy trying to look and not look at you at the same time. While we're at it, bending over or squatting down while naked is so not cool. If you could see how you look, you'd run screaming from locker room (hopefully not naked).

Eyes averted,

Dear Kat,

Stop gallivanting around England and get back to your blog already. I enjoy your guest bloggers, but enough with the "Oh, sorry, I'm off exploring and seeing all manner of cool things are far too busy and hip to post." I'm paraphrasing, BTW. I miss the stories of preschool mum's and Elizabeast and I really, really want to see the new Bungalow. Could you get on that? Ok, thanks.

Missing your funny self,

Dear Edward/RPattz,

Just over a month. I can't wait. You'll be shirtless. I'll be drooling.


And so ends today's letters. Quick recap: teenage girls and women in the locker room: put some clothes on. Edward/RPattz: take it off. Love you, kisses, mean it.


Allison said...

You forgot one - where is your letter to the teenage boys whose waistband is lower than their butt crack so they have to waddle just to keep them up and whose boxer shorts are in full glory for all of us to see? PULL YOUR FREAKING PANTS UP!!!

Yankee Girl said...

My favorite is when women walk to and from the shower with the towel casually tossed over their shoulder. YOU HAVE A TOWEL!!!! USE IT!!!

susan said...

I look forward to this every week! Now "hobagish"--that's a new term for me :)--Amen to all!

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Bwahahaha...loved the one about the naked locker room women. Another reason for me to not go to the gym...I don't know where to look!! The ceiling???!

otin said...

Do we need to talk about the pants that kids wear with the waist around their knees!

Bonita said...

You are so funny and so truthful. If no one else listens, I at least hope the parents will.

I agree with the others. What about the boys that need an extra hand just to keep their pants up? I've never seen anything so ridiculous in my life!

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I laughed for a good 5 mins on the bending over while naked comment.

Can't wait another month for new moon!

Emily said...

Seriously, I'm with you on the clothing thing. I mean, the girls are being dumb, but we all know teenagers think w/ their hormones anyway, so I mostly blame the parents. As as for the boys...yeah, they're always showing their underwear off here. Seriously, one day I'm going to walk up to them and hike up their shorts myself!

Anonymous said...

It doesn't bother me if other ladies want to walk around naked in the locker room. It's their body not mine, they can show it off to the world for all I care. And at my gym many of them do. I can't tell you how many women at my gym will stand there blow drying their hair naked or carrying on conversations naked. But I got used to seeing that in the girls locker room in high school, so it's nothing new to my eyes at the gym.

However, my one complaint about naked women in the locker room is when some of them choose to sit bare-ass on the benches. That's the thing that they should know better than to do. I have complained to the management at my gym about women who do that, so they put up a sign in the locker room telling people to always have a towel under them while they are sitting on a bench. But people still ignore it anyway.

I couldn't agree more about the stupid kids that let their pants sag half way down their butt. It just looks moronic. Are their parents actually alright with their kid walking around like that?

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