Stress

Hello, my lovelies. I haven't been eaten by crocodiles or become a zombie who can't figure out how to work a computer, I promise. I haven't blog in a while (I didn't even get to my beloved RTT this week!), because there are a lot of stressful things going on in our lives and I don't know what to say that doesn't make me sound whiny or like I'm asking for pity.  I'm not, I just felt like writing today.

We've known for months and months that James Bond will be deploying to the 'Stan.  He hasn't deployed in a few years because he was in a non-deploying unit, but the one he recently moved to is.  We were fully aware of this, and he says he "needs" to deploy because he won't get promoted unless he does.  Sure, I'm all for promotions, but still.  I also know that other soldiers need to come home to their families and that someone has to take their place.  Still, that doesn't mean I have to like it.  We have many friends who are in the 'Stan right now (JAG and T.O.M are 2 of them), and their families are making it, but they don't like it either.  I'm pretty sure no one does.

As I said, we've known for a months (about 8) that it was coming and I've cried on and off since.  As the departure date looms though, the tears have been more and more frequent, as has the stress.  I try to keep it together, but there are days when I just can't.  I try not to cry in front of Indy because he's already stressed enough, but it's becoming increasingly difficult.  He's a perceptive kid and knows how stressed I am and has seen the red eyes more than once.  Sometimes I cry for him.  Han Solo will miss seeing James Bond every day, but he's a baby and will be fine (Indy was).  It will be very difficult for Indy though.  He and JB are quite close and do lots of stuff together, much of which is crazy, non-mom approving stuff, but they have fun.  Having his male role model gone for a year will be hard for him.  Sure I'm a great mom (I'm not bragging, he tells me all the time!), but I'm not his dad.  Being mom and dad is a tough thing to shoulder.  When Indy was a baby and a younger child, it was easier to do, but now, not so much.

Honestly, I'm also scared.  I've known too many soldiers who've come back in a box and hugged their spouses and wept with them.  Of course most soldiers do come home, but there's always the specter hovering every minute of every day.  A soldier from Heidelberg (our previous home) was killed the this week leaving behind his wife and 2 small sons.  I didn't know them personally, but I have friends who do and am familiar with their names.  It's heartbreaking.

The thought of being alone for a year with 2 children is a bit terrifying.  I can (and will) of course utilize baby sitters, but really, it will just be me, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for a year.  I know there are single moms who do this every single day, but I'm not single and truthfully, I don't want to do it.  I knew when JB joined the army a million years ago, okay just 16 years, but there are days when if feels like a million, that there was always the possibility that wars would come along and he'd be gone, but knowing the possibility and living the reality are two very different things. 

Many wives choose to go "home" during deployments, but for me, "home" is wherever we're stationed.  I also want the boys to have as much stability as possible.  Having JB gone will be difficult enough, but taking them away from their home, familiarity,stuff (believe it or not, this is important) and friends is not something I'm willing to do.  Even though they'd have family to be around, it's just not the same.  Plus, here we're only a 2 hour time zone change from JB instead of 8, which will make conversations and skype much easier.

Again, I'm not asking for pity, just talking it through.  If I'm not around a lot for a while, it's because of everything that's going on.  I may blog once a week, or I may feel the need to spout out my issues or just post silly/random things to help me forget the insanity that is our life right now.